Return to Work

The return to work presented all new challenges and hurdles. I tried to return to work before my six week recovery period was up and found that I probably should have taken the entire time. But I had burned through all my leave time, and money was becoming a real issue. I returned to work weak and tired, but enjoying the fact that my weight loss was already very noticeable. People I had never really spoken to at work stopped me in the halls to comment. Telling people about my gastric bypass surgery became a double-edged sword and a gamble. Sometimes, people would tell me how proud they were that I had taken that step and regale me with a story of a very friend who also had a very successful surgery. Others would get tilt their head with a look that basically said, "Oh, you had THAT done..." My favorite, though, was the people who insisted on telling me about someone they knew who had the surgery and now they either looked awful, gained the weight back, or died. As if I was not already scared and emotional from coping without my familiar food crutch. Sometimes I really do wonder what goes on in another person's head when they think it's appropriate to scare someone in that way. But even those issues didn't compare to food.

My department likes to eat. Someone would normally go to a restaurant for the group and bring something back for lunch, and everyone would eat at their desk. When I first returned to work, I was still on the soft food stage of my post operative diet. I could have tuna. So almost everyday, I ate a can of flavored tuna and threw the crackers away. Crackers were carbs, and my stomach couldn't handle them anyway. I still drank my protein drinks to meet my dietary needs and a can of tuna seemed like a lot of food to me. But I would smell my coworkers' food and get that same emotional response I did at home watching restaurant commercials. Sometimes I had to just get up and leave our department for a few minutes to regroup. But I couldn't ask everyone around me to stop living their normal lives to accommodate me. Nor would the world stop eating to please me. I needed to find a way to cope. I reminded myself of the fact that I was already in need of new clothes because I was losing weight so quickly. I would sometimes walk to the bathroom and look at my newly developing figure. I took solace in the fact that my feet had already stopped swelling from the diabetes I had suffered from before the surgery. No one really knows why yet, but gastric bypass automatically reverses diabetes before the weight loss will reverse it. A lot of research is being done now to find why this happens and see if it can help people with type I diabetes. I also reminded myself that despite being worn out from the surgery, my energy level still seemed better than before. It helped some, but I still remember this time as a period of severe struggle.

The first time one of my coworkers brought a homemade cake in for a treat for the department, I went to the bathroom, locked myself in a stall, and wept. I felt ridiculous to be so emotional over food, but I had not realized just how much I relied on food for every emotion. We celebrate with food. We ease pain with food. We fill empty time with food. I would love to say that it was during this period I found a magical way to cope with this loss, but it really just took time to adapt. It did get easier with time. Not to get ahead of myself, but I will say that now, I don't get too worried about it. The smell of food will make me hungry, but I don't necessarily have to have what everyone else is having. And sugary sweets? Well, I get a little misty-eyed around the holidays and all the homemade baking, but I've learned to make some of my own sugar free desserts and tasted every sugar free cookie/candy on the market so I know what's good and not. I don't have to be deprived. Those early work days were tough, though.

I've actually heard people say they would die than do without sugary foods or fried chicken. Well, I have news, people, I am proof that you WON'T die. In fact, I live better than before. And it was a tough road, but I still enjoy food. In fact, I think I enjoy it more because I better appreciate what I can have. When you gorge on something all the time, it loses it's value. But when it's an occasional treat, you savor each bite. It's that kind of attitude that started to permeate different areas of my life as well. I started to savor and better enjoy times with friends and family. I spent more time working on my geeky WWII re-enacting hobby. I even started trying to write again. I considered trying to pick up singing again, but I found that I had real trouble with my breathing. Every time I practiced a song that required a lot of breath, I would actually get dizzy and see black spots. I mourned, but hoped that would get better in time. The point is, however, that I found that I had spent so much time eating, I had been missing out on life. I had previously had no energy to get out and do anything. I spent most of my time sitting at my computer at home chatting or playing games, but as my energy level rose, I got antsy sitting there and had to start getting out. I repeatedly tell people, I neither recommend people to nor dissuade people from this surgery, but it was right for me. I have added years back to my life. And so far, my only regret has been not doing it sooner. But I still had challenges ahead and face them today.